


The Lord of the Cocks : a Spideypool Adventure

by Iarwain



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Friends to Lovers, Fun, Gore, He's gonna unalive people, M/M, Marvel/Tolkien Crossover, Mention of monster sex, Minor Character Death, Multiverse, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Well it's Deadpool guys, mention of body horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:48:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iarwain/pseuds/Iarwain
Summary: Deadpool and his buddy Spider-Man are accidentally teleported in Middle Earth, with no way of coming back.Aka dragon fights, beloved characters dying and how to fit a romance in a humoristic fic.





	1. The Bear or the Wolverine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This is Yellow._   
>  **And this is White.**
> 
>  
> 
> This fic is situated roughly between the 18th and 19th issues of Spider-Man/Deadpool.  
> The whole Captevil America has never happened, everyone is still pals. Well except that Deadpool is still technically married to Shiklah but they are separated. Wink wink.
> 
> I can't promise anything for any of The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings characters, but neither Spidey nor Deadpool will die or get overly angsty.

“Wade!” screamed Spider-Man. “Waaade!” He put up his hands around his mouth as he screamed, as if it would help the sound carry further.

He was lost. In a fucking countryside. He had been playing with random tools in what Deadpool called his “batcave”, whatever that was. Not much a cave really, it was more a secret warehouse filled with weapons, explosives and, apparently, alien gadgets. Not that it was really secret, either, it was just an old liquor store in a shady part of the city, with a sign that read “closed” on the door.  
Peter had been hanging out with Deadpool long enough now to know that the guy had at least a dozen of those in every city. Perhaps even some he had forgotten, like a fucking crazed chipmunk hiding its nuts before the winter.  
Peter also had been hanging out long enough with Deadpool to know not to get involved in his shit. But Wade had started fighting with himself, leaving Spider-Man alone for at least fifteen minutes. And he had gotten bored. Hence why he had started to look at the random trinkets Deadpool had been storing there.  
The last object he remembered touching was a small dagger, looking very nerdy, like out of a larp party. He’d only had time to hear Wade scream and reach toward him before he got swallowed in a vortex.

That led him here. In a field. Green. Big mountains could be seen from afar. Maybe a forest there. Fuck! He was so lost. Fucking Wade and his fucking batcave. He hoped at least they were still in the USA, if not in the same state. The landscape, however, didn’t seem familiar at all.  
Peter knew Deadpool had a teleporter in his possession. They had used it together many times. They got stuck in parallel dimensions together, too. Oh please, let it not be another planet.

Breathe in, breathe out. 

“Wade !!!!!!”

Peter Parker looked around one last time then decided to walk toward the mountains. They would provide a fixed point in the horizon to walk towards, so he was sure he was always walking in the right direction. Pretty smart for a city guy, he thought. Good thing he had watched those episodes of Man vs Wild. Also, he was sure there were some trees over there, and perhaps even smoke in the air. Smoke meant human activity right?

He walked for at least thirty minutes, keeping the mountains in his sight. He had been right about the smoke. It came from a… farm? There were definitely multiple buildings with straw roofs, as was made in the old time probably. Surrounded by a tall wooden fence, made of large wooden trunks. Exactly like what could be around a medieval castle, as he imagined it from the comics he read as a kid.  
This sight was not helping Spider-Man in his quest of reassuring himself that he was still in the USA. At least the weather appeared to be the same as when he left New-York, approximately in the middle of autumn. He wore a warm suit that could be heated if he needed to. 

Arriving next to the fence, he started circling it, trying to find an entrance, or any sign of another human being. He could definitely hear cattle noises, and strong buzzing coming from inside. Maybe he had been right, that was a decent regular farm from the USA.  
As he was thinking that, his spider-sense warned him of a danger not far from him. On alert, but continuing walking he arrived at an opening in the fence. Peter could hear shoutings from the inside. Two men arguing, both with deep and loud voices.  
Relief washed over him as Peter recognized one of the voices, a gravelly one, as being Deadpool’s. So he hadn’t been teleported alone to a secluded place. Almost at the same time, his heart race sped up as well, as adrenaline and his spider-sense combined made him run forward to the two men. Deadpool was arguing with someone, which meant that violence was probably coming. 

And indeed, Spider-Man had arrived on time. He had stopped asking himself twice about Wade’s new shenanigans but this one was on the top ten.  
The inside of the fence consisted of multiple farm buildings, separated by a garden filled with huge and unnatural flowers. Bees the size of puppies were hovering above them. It could have been an idyllic place if you didn’t consider the two men arguing in it.  
Deadpool had an iron milk jug in one hand, and was covered in what seemed to be honey, if the discarded huge sandstone honeypot were any revelation. In his other hand, he held a wooden honey spoon, big enough to knock out some dude.  
Facing him was a tall man, probably a mutant, towering at least two heads above Wade, with a chest twice as big. Comparing himself to the guy, Spider-Man felt like Ant-Man. He had very animalistic features, and hair all over his face, arms, neck. Definitely mutant. He was shouting at Deadpool, menacing him with his fist. The milk and honey hadn’t been offered by the nice country-man then. Wade must have been raiding the pantry.  
Time for Spider-Man to make an entrance. Running, Peter called at them, hoping that he could temper both men before anything serious happened.

* * *

“Wade!” A shout from behind him made Deadpool turn his head to look at Spider-Man running toward him. 

“Spidey!” excitedly called back Deadpool, waving a hand. “Look who’s here as well? Wolvy!”

When the silly-bitty Spider-Man had triggered his teleport-Middle-Earth-dagger, Wade just had time to jump on him, trying to tear it from Spider-Man’s hands, only to be teleported with him. Deadpool had bought the dagger on the darkweb, but he had never really tried it. It has been a fancy of the moment, when after watching a very good porn adaptation of the Lord of the Rings, he wanted to fuck ~~orcs~~ elves. But Weasel had told him that it was shitty, probably defective, and might teleport him wherever but in the porn adaptation. So he had forgotten it was there. 

**The dagger, not the porn adaptation.**

_Obviously, even he is not that stupid._

**Oh, I wouldn’t say that exactly...**

Him and Spidey had been separated after the teleport, but good for him he was apparently not far from home, in Wolverine’s house. And his old friend had some sick food! Why hadn’t he never invited him home for a nice dinner before? 

**Because he hates your ugly mug.**

_Because you eat like a pig._

And Spidey was here now! He must have teleported close by. This sounded like a nice vacation for the three of them. His two best friends and him, under the same roof, having a pyjama party!

“Who is this new one?” growled Wolverine, pointing at Spidey.

“Wolvy! You don’t recognize Spidey?” asked Wade. “He’s in the avengers,” he explained. “I think you guys have been on lotsa missions together. You even have multiple comics issues in common.”

_I don’t like how he’s pointing. That’s rude. Don’t point at people._

Spider-Man ignored Wade and walked directly to Wolverine, holding out his hand. “Hello, sir, I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, from New York.” Wolverine looked baffled but still shook the hand in front of him, his large hairy hand engulfing Spidey’s.

**Well of course he’s baffled, Spidey is acting like they never met before.**

_Maybe Webs lost his memory because of the teleporting dagger!_

**Nope. He remembered our name.**

_Of course. He lost his memory, but he remembers us because he loves us._

**Nope.**

_We are his anchor to the real world._

“Shut up!” shouted Wade, dropping the milk jug, which spilled all over the grass. 

Wolverine raised his fist, apparently deciding this was the last straw and that he was going to beat Deadpool to pulp, but Spider-Man jumped in front of him, arms wide open.

_Our hero._

**Oh my god.**

“I’m very sorry, sir,” quickly said Spider-Man. “My friend and I just teleported, and he must be very disoriented.” He put both of his hands in front of him, palms facing Wolvy. “If you could indicate the way to the closest city, we will be on our way shortly. He is not a bad man, we are just very, very lost. Sir.” Spider-Man added, talking faster and faster, trying to beat the frown that was darkening on Wolverine’s face. “I have money. I will compensate you for your loss, whatever that is.”

_He said we are not a bad man! Does it count as a declaration of love?_

**He also said we were very, very lost.**

That’s because he has lost his memory and he doesn’t know we are at Wolvy’s place.

_See, he loves us._

Deadpool took a step forward, as he stood next to Spider-Man, he casually put one arm around Spider-Man’s shoulder. “I love you too, Webs. Hey Wolvy,” he called, waving the honey spoon in front of the giant’s nose. “Now that my BFF is here, can we move this inside? Don’t lie to me. I know you never invited your buddy old pal Wade Wilson because you want to keep these greasy sheeps all for yourself? What a selfish glouton.”

* * *

Peter’s spidey-sense warned him in time for him to duck as a fist bigger than his head landed on Deadpool’s face. 

“Wolvy!” whined Deadpool, picking himself up from the ground. “That’s not how you treat guests!”

“I did not invite you in, you are not guests,” roared the gigantic man, before launching himself forward and landing above Deadpool, punching him again.

“Not cool dude!” screamed Deadpool, protecting himself with his forearms.

“Wade. Wade!” called Spider-Man, staying away, knowing that Deadpool was safe anyway. “It’s not Wolverine. Apologize to the man, please.”

“Hmmfffffnot true!” managed to spit out Deadpool, his face stuck in a patch of grass, still getting hammered by the mutant.

“Wade, Wolverine is shorter than me.” tried again Peter. “This is a huge dude.”

The said huge dude got up, towering above Peter. “You seemed polite at first, but I dislike people talking about me as if I’m not here. I am not some kind of animal.” 

He launched a punch at Spider-Man, who easily jumped out of the way. 

“Whoa, sir, I’m sorry, but you were beating up my friend,” argued Peter. “That’s not very polite of you as well.”

The man growled, ready to throw another punch, when Deadpool, who had gotten up, stabbed him in the back with one of his small knives. 

“Sit, gigantic doggy,” said Wade.

Said doggy fell on his hands on knees. 

“Wade! Don’t hurt strangers!” shouted Spider-Man, grabbing Deadpool’s arm and trying to grab the knife out of his hand. 

“He started it Spidey! Besides heeeeeeee” Deadpool’s sentence ended in a shriek, as he pointed at the man. 

With a howl, the man, all fours on the ground, was getting bigger, if that was even possible, while black fur was tearing through his clothes. Oh, a mutant indeed. 

“Deadpool, let go of me,” said Spider-Man, trying to get away from the man, while removing Deadpool’s arms that were locked around his neck, in a mock damsel in distress. “Wade!”

A giant black grizzly charged at them. His paws with claws long enough to cut Peter in half, a muzzle big enough to crush his head between his jaws. 

“Wolvy! It’s you!” squealed Deadpool, before letting go of Peter’s neck, and drawing his katanas out of their holsters. 

Deadpool and the bear charged at each other. When they got really close, Deadpool jumped a bit to the side, twisting his hips like a toreador. He was about to slam both of his katanas on the bear’s neck, when Spider-Man webbed the blades. 

“Wade, don’t kill him!” shouted Peter. 

The huge grizzly used this advantage to stop in his track, turn in head and snap his jaws at Deadpool’s leg. An awful crushing sound could be heard, bones snapping, meat and bone squirting through the hair as the bear was angrily shaking his head from side to side.

“Webs! Fucker! He’s eating my leg because of you! Why’d you do that?” screamed Deadpool.

Trying to help, Spider-Man webbed the bear’s face, covering his eyes. “I’m sorry. You’ll heal, he won’t.”

Blinded, the bear raged on and teared Deadpool’s leg apart, sending his foot land a few feet away. Wade didn’t hesitate a second, got one his gun from his belt and shot the bear in the skull, ten times.  
The huge beast dropped dead where it was, meat still dangling from its teeth. 

“Wade!” shouted Spider-Man, running to see if the mutant man was still alive. Nope. Dead. “Fuck, Deadpool, what have you done? Don’t you remember anything from Itsy-Bitsy? Is this who you want to be? Killing innocents?”

“Innocent? He ate my leg!” whined Deadpool, limping until he could wrap himself around Spider-Man, leaning on him. “Besides, Wolvy and I go way back. He’ll be up and kicking in a few minutes. He’s even faster than me to recover from bullets. But we should step back. He’ll be in a total rage.”

Peter sighed and used his super-strength to make Deadpool sit on the grass. Well there was no helping it now. He couldn’t guess what the mutant ability of the man was, but unless he had a healing ability on top of changing into a bear, he wouldn’t recover from a dozen bullets in his brain.  
To be fair, he had attacked them first, and had certain murderous ideas about Deadpool. But who didn’t? And he seemed to be just an honest farmer… Making honey with his… gigantic bees?

“No, he won’t,” explained Spider-Man slowly. “Because this was not Wolverine. A bear but not a wolverine. Definitely.”

“Maybe his cousin?” tried Deadpool. “Or his brother. I know Wolvy has a brother. He regenerates as well. Wait five minutes and see.”

Spider-Man sighed. “Give me what medical stuff you have in your belts, Wade. I will bandage your leg until it grows back.”

“Thanks Webs!” said Wade, putting both his palms around his face. “So sweet, you’re taking care of me!”

After some nursing, and ten minutes passed, it was clear that the bear-mutant was dead. 

“Time of death, six thirty five,” Spider-Man stated sadly. 

Deadpool stared at him through his mask for a few seconds, eyes big in a sign of repent, shoulders down. “I’m sorry Spidey. He really looked like him.” He seemed to be listening to something when he tried to get up suddenly, and failed. “Webs! Help me up! We have to get inside! I have to show you all the crazy food this man had.”

“Maybe he has a phone somewhere as well,” replied Peter, grabbing Wade by the shoulders, putting him on one foot and helping him walk toward the different farm buildings. He could have started with this. Dragging Deadpool away. Coming back to ask for a phone call. Fuck Deadpool! They didn’t even had time to ask where they were. At least the man was speaking English. Heavily accented English, but still. There was hope.

Spider-Man frowned at Deadpool who has been cackling madly since Peter’s last comment. 

“What’s so funny? Maybe the Avengers can send a copter to pick us up,” he said.

Deadpool just patted him on the top of the head, which annoyed Peter a lot. And also made him worry a lot. You never knew what Deadpool was up to, they had come to some kind of friendship before the Itsy-Bitsy story, but since then… Deadpool was even more uncontrollable, unpredictable. Peter should have seen it coming. Barging into someone’s farm and killing them… Should he deliver Wade to the authorities for this? 

His spider-sense made him stop in his track, pushing Wade behind him. He ignored Deadpool’s comment of “holy fuck that’s hot” and listened. There were hounds barking. A lot.

Hounds. Speaking. “Intruders! They killed Beorn! Attack!”

Around twenty hounds came leaping from a farm building. They were gigantic, mirroring the huge man that used to live here. Approximately Spider-Man’s size. With strong muscles that could be seen on their chest while they ran toward them, howling and screaming. 

“Spidey, run!” shouted Deadpool. “I’ll hold them back.”

“Oh no. Fucking climb me,” answered Peter. He crouched in front of Deadpool, bending his back. 

“Anytime,” whispered Wade in a performed husky voice before jumping as best as he could with only one leg on Spider-Man’s back. “Always dreamed to ride a spider.”

They fled the farm, as fast as Peter could run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A glouton or a carcajou are other french names for a wolverine.  
> It's actually a pretty cutie small bear!
> 
> Thank you so so much [Ars_Matron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ars_Matron) for the editing!!


	2. Peter and Wade sitting in a tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This is Yellow._   
>  **And this is White.**
> 
>  
> 
> Slight spoiler but I swear no doggos are harmed in this chapter

**We are on top of the world.**

_The view is outstanding here, dear._

**I am the luckiest girl in the world.**

_Anything for you, my love._

‘Will you two stop flirting and help me out?” groaned Deadpool. He was tied up, or webbed up to the top of a tree. He couldn’t move one limb and the tree trunk was waving wildly, making him nauseated.

**Help you with what? You can’t move big stupid.**

_You are just bored so you asked your brain to provide with entertainment._

He was, indeed, bored. After at least thirty minutes of not moving, swallowing the vomit that came into his mouth with every lurch of the tree, and just waiting, he was getting fidgety as hell. But he couldn’t fidget. “Please don’t entertain. Use your combined forces of super intelligence to find us a way out of this.”

**Compliments now? You really can’t stand being tied up.**

“WHAT? I love being tied up!”

_Ohh right.. And even more so by Webs… How does it feel to be at his mercy?_

**You are so under his control now, he could do anything he wants with you.**

_He could fuck your mouth with his insect-cock and lay his eggs in your belly._

**Wait for millions of little spiders to crawl under your skin, tear your internal organs, eat you from the inside…**

“Not the good kind of fantasy, abort mission, abort,” pleaded Deadpool.

**Oh but you are the perfect incubator, our babies won’t even need a new host, they can eat your liver again and again and again, until they are big enough to go into the real world and…**

Deadpool bent over the webs holding him and puked a big gush of vomit. With grace, it landed on top of one of the hound’s head. They were at least two dozens, bigger than any dogs Wade had ever seen, with muscles that would make The Hulk jealous. They had been very angry, barking and shaking the tree trunk with great strength, but now. Now they were infuriated, more closer to ware-hounds than to regular doggos. 

“Oopsie,” said Deadpool, spitting once or twice to remove the bitter taste off his mouth. “I swear, puppers, that wasn’t planned.”

“Wade, for Thor’s sake…” started Spider-Man before sighing loudly. “Give the man a warning would you. That could have landed on my face.” He was stuck to the tree, using his palms and feet, his back to the trunk. Of course, Web-head was comfy stuck in a tree. 

_Deadpool and Spider-Man sitting in a tree… KISSING_

“I’m sorry Webs,” replied Deadpool. “I swear the only me-fluids that will land on your face will be much more agreeable.”

**Way to go, Wade.**

Spidey made a gag sound before snapping, “I hope you mean blood, after I murder you for putting this image in my head.”

**Fucking called it. You really are a disgusting man, hitting on someone after literally puking in front of them. How do you live with yourself?**

“Okay, okay, no need to get all stabby with me,” laughed Wade. “You sound like Wolvy. Speaking of which… My phone is in my back pocket.”

_I am physically face-palming inside your head._

**How gross are you?**

“Wade,” warned Spider-Man, turning his masked face up to Deadpool and squinting, or so Wade thought because the mask was hiding his eyes.

“I swear,” whined Deadpool, “You forgot yours on my desk, which is pretty stupid, but I always got one or two in numerous pockets.” Spidey had screamed this when they first got to the tree, saying that he couldn’t count on the bear-man help and he had forgotten his phone. Deadpool’s face lightened up. “Either you unweb me, and I might fall to my death, but I might be able to make the phone call in time. Or you wiggle your arm between my muscled buttock and the tree, and make the call yourself.”

_Okay, we gotta give him the credit, he built a good case for himself._

“Don’t call me stupid, stupid,” said Spider-Man. He climbed effortlessly the trunk though, reaching the spot where Deadpool was stuck. “Left or right,” he asked.

_Both, say both! Make him have a feel of that good buffy butt. Don’t let our hours of squats go to waste. This is our time to shine!_

Deadpool let out a manic laugh. “I don’t remember!” For once, one of his voices had a good idea, he could try to enjoy this.

Spider-man sighed and unstuck a few strands of web, slipping an arm between them to reach for Deadpool’s buttock. “Left hand to right cheek, coming through,” he deadpanned.

Deadpool let out a high pitched squeal when Spider-Man’s hand started roaming his butt cheeks, trying to find an opening in the leather suit. Trying to present his best performance, Deadpool clenched and unclenched his muscles.

“Can you stop wiggling and help me out here?” asked Spidey. 

“I’m sorry honey, I’m ticklish! Try looking a little bit higher, just under the belt there should be a zipper,” offered Deadpool. Spider-Man found the pocket and put his whole hand in it, rummaging his fingers right and left, making Deadpool squeal again. 

“Wade! Stop screaming like I’m attacking you it’s making me very uncomfortable please,” said Spider-Man. “And how do you have so many things in here? Your suit is as tight as mine. Do you put all your belongings in your back pocket to make your butt look bigger,” wondered Spider-Man.

_Tight. Suit._

**He said you look fat.**

“My, Webs, give an old man a rest and don’t critique his precious rump.”

Spider-Man removed his hand from Deadpool’s pockets and used it to slap him on the forehead. Deadpool tried to bite Spidey’s fingers and they started to fight, Spidey trying to slap Deadpool and Deadpool biting everything coming his way, fingers, wrist… Caught in the game, they were both giggling, when Wade started barking, imitating an growling dog. This made the hounds down below enraged. They started howling and insulting them. 

Deadpool’s masked face turned into an ‘O’ of surprise. “Oopsiedoopsie,” he said.

Spider-Man froze and started guffawing. The laugh caught Deadpool by surprise, because Spidey has been pretty mad about the killing-an-innocent-man-and-being-chased-by-his-sentient-dogs thing. It was the main reason why he was tied up in this tree. Webs was scared Wade would kill the dogs. Which was for the best, it gave Wade enough time to regrow his foot. 

**I still would have liked to kill the dogs.**

_Spidey is unfair. They will die without a master to feed them anyway._

**Cut the webs and let yourself fall. We can get them barehanded.**

_A knife between our teeth, dropping to the ground and starting a carnage, I like the sound of that._

Ignoring the boxes, Deadpool started laughing as well, not knowing if Spider-Man was laughing because his nerves had failed him or not, still he liked seeing Spidey happy and laughing with him.

“Okay let me check your other pocket,” finally got out Spidey. “Please don’t start another war, and in the name of every god we know please don’t fart on my hand.”

Deadpool laughed. Spider-Man really hanged out with him too much. He knew all his secret tricks. “Whatever you want sweetums,” he said in a raspy voice.

Shaking his head, Spidey wiggled his hand between the webs and got Deadpool’s phone from his pocket. “What’s your code,” he asked, showing the phone screen to Deadpool, which was locked.

“One two three four,” replied Deadpool. My favourite song, he thought to himself. 

_Let me hear you scream if you want some more!_

**Watch me work it, I'm perfect!**

“Obviously,” said Spider-Man, silently judging the easy-to-guess code. 

“Heathen,” mouthed Deadpool.

_Barbaric._

**Uncivilized.**

Spidey pushed in the numbers and let out a scream of frustration. “No signal! Fuck!”

“Calm down Sweetie. I have a plan,” said Deadpool, smirking.

“Which is?” asked Spider-Man, putting the phone back in Deadpool’s pocket.

_He really has no faith in us._

**Yeah while you two were playing touch-my-peepee we came up with a wonderful idea.**

Deadpool winked at Spidey and made kissy moves with his mouth. Then in a swift motion, he cut all the webs holding him and threw them over Spider-Man’s face. Spidey being stuck for a few seconds, Deadpool had time to remove his mask, put the knife in his mouth and let himself drop from the tree without being stopped.

“MAXIMUM EFFORT!”

_We’re doing this! We are really doing this!_

He didn’t pay attention to Webs’ screaming and he landed in the middle of the hound’s pack. Oof, that probably had been the sound of his two ankles breaking. Taking no mind, he unsheathed both his katanas and held them before him, growling loudly. Spit was drooling on his chin and between the knife blade still in his mouth. He turned around a few times, facing each dog circling him. They seemed to hesitate for a while before they all ran toward the farm and closed the big door behind them.

Spider-Man landed next to him, shoving him in the shoulder. “Wade you really are a bastard,” he said.

Deadpool put away his blades and stood next to Spidey in a power stance, both fists on his sides, chest buffed, hips buckled. “I told you not to worry, Sweetie,” he said proudly.

“I would have killed you if you had just touched one of their hairs,” snapped Spidey.

**Ungrateful bitch.**

_We saved his life._

Deadpool swatted the boxes with his hands, annoyed they were ruining his big win moment with Spider-Man. It was not everyday he could up-hero his favourite hero. He had saved the day without even fighting one person. That was good de-escalating.

_That’s without mentioning killing Wolvy’s clone._

**And they probably thought you smelled so bad you weren’t worth eating anyway.**

Spider-Man was observing him, silent. Then he reached out and patted him on the shoulder. “Good job, bro.”

“Bro-fist?” offered Deadpool.

Spidey groaned, “I told you not to call it that.” But they bumped fists anyway.

* * *

Peter assessed the situation. They were still lost in the middle of nowhere, probably not in the USA according to the landscape and the man’s accent. Australia? He always imagined Australia looking more threatening. Somewhere around the UK? Where else in the globe did they talk english? South Africa would explain the big hounds, though. New Zealand? There was a huge mountain behind them.

No matter, they needed to get out of there and fast. He couldn’t rely on himself to survive in the wilds, though Wade could be more useful in this area. Wasn’t he like in the army or something?

“Wade jump on my back,” he ordered. Wade put back his mask on and climbed, cheering.

Once Wade was seated, both feet booted (finally, where did Wade even keep the other boot while he had no foot?) but bloody (again?) in front of him, he asked, “Are you just in the mood for a bumpy ride Webs or do you have a plan in mind?”

“You have more experience with being out of a city, so tell me if I’m wrong,” replied Peter. He threw a web at a tree and started swinging from tree to tree fast, faster than they could have ran anyway, throwing himself in the air for some time if trees were too scarce. “I’m gonna try to get to those huge trees we see in the distance. Once we’re there, I will climb on top and try to see something from our surroundings. Maybe find a city.”

“AAAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaaaaaaah” was the only response he got from a screaming Wade Wilson. Spider-Man shrugged it off. If Deadpool thought their plan was really bad, he would have found a way to stop them anyway. He kept going fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more plot in the next chapter I swear!  
> I know where the story is going but these two are so much fun they keep sidetracking my writing with stupid ideas...
> 
> Thanks everyone who kudo'ed and commented my fic love you all <3 You can say hi on my tumblr : [mahalsbutt](https://mahalsbutt.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you so so much [Ars_Matron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ars_Matron) for the editing!!


End file.
